I've mentioned before that Audrey's pediatrician recommended we begin sleep training (crying it out) with Audrey. He showed me how she is "manipulating" me with her cries and that if we don't start now, we could have a very needy baby on our hands; one who is too dependent to fall asleep on her own. I agreed with him that Audrey knows how to get what she wants. She's learned that if she cries = mom comes to save her. I know that in our culture this isn't desirable, and if I want to have a normal life, I can't let her be so dependent on me. Right now she is peacefully napping in her swing and my tired self is wondering after such a hard past couple of nights, is this cry it out thing working? It's such a stressful process to sleep train this way, and if it isn't working...I want to stop immediately and try a different route. It's hard on my heart.
The first night we began sleep training, I followed exactly the doctor's orders. (We've since changed our method) He said to set her down sleepy, if she cries, let her do so for 2-4 minutes, go in and tell her "I love you but its time for sleep", and leave. Leave and don't go back in. I put on my big girl pants and did it. I didn't do it very gracefully, though. I sat outside Audrey's door while she cried and cried, and
I cried and cried. My heart immediately went to Bulgaria and the orphanages I worked in. We saw children who were locked in their rooms all day to cry. No one would ever go in and lovingly pick them up and give them kisses. They just sat. Some of them were 30-something year olds who looked like they were 8 and couldn't speak because they were constantly in a crib with no interaction. As Audrey sobbed in her room, alone in the dark, I felt like I should go in there. Every baby deserves a mommy that will rescue them, pick them up, love them and kiss them when they are sad. I realize the benefits of teaching Audrey some independence, but at the same time I knew she just needed me. After an hour of listening to her cry, I ran in and rescued my baby. I held her close to my chest, wiped away both of our tears, and rocked her to sleep. That entire night I couldn't take my mind of the Bulgarian children we saw during our time there. Are they okay? Does anyone hear their cries? Can I go back and just pick them up and hold them again? With all of the controversy surrounding the "Cry it Out" approach, I felt like creating a situation similar to the children in Bulgaria was somehow cruel and unnecessary. I felt (and sometimes still feel) like I should just hold her all the time, show her how much love I have for her, and make sure she knows that she'll never be alone. Something that those Bulgarian kids will never know.
I know that Audrey crying it out in her room is not a comparable situation to the orphans, but I loved those kids dearly. If it weren't for them and the situations they presented to me, I don't think I'd be as good of a mother to Audrey. I wish that I could give them the love I try to give to Audrey every day.
