You know you've been living in Bulgaria too long when...

I thought it would be funny to remember some things I wrote down during my two-year stint in Bulgaria. Like any place, it has its share of oddities.

You know you've been in Bulgaria too long when...

You know you’ve been in Bulgaria too long when…
1. You think a “magazine” is a place where you go to buy groceries.
2. You are amazed to see an elderly woman with natural-color hair.
3. You think back fondly on the day you learned your first words in Bulgarian: “green card”
4. You shake your head for “yes” and nod your head for “no”.
5. You think the phrase “how many souls are we?” sounds perfectly normal
6. You have trouble saying the word “rural.”
7. You think that “holiday” and “feast” are the same word.
8. You have strange dreams about barbeque chicken and peanut butter.
9. You dive for cover when a light breeze blows through the room.
10. You think an appropriate response to the question, “how are you doing?” is “thank you.”
11. You think that anyone in a suit with a nice car is in the mafia.
12. You panic because you forgot to give away presents on your birthday.
13. The cashier at the store short circuits because she is unable to make change for a five.
14. You begin to feel the effects of 500 години под турското робство.
15. You proudly tell everyone you meet which college you learned at.
16. You chalk every illness up to грип, and determine that its cause is invariably some combination of cold and quickly moving air.
17. The security guard at the bank thoroughly inspects you by asking if you have any weapons.
18. The guy that just got off the plane smells something smoky and asks who’s having a barbeque, and you just tell him to sniff again.
19. You tell your neighbors that you don’t smoke, and they ask you what, then, is the purpose of your life!
20. The only thing that makes you stand out more than baggy jeans from the Gap is going for a jog.
21. You consider McDonald’s a nice, sit-down restaurant.
22. There is a 50-degree temperature difference between your living room and your entryway.
23. You want to buy bread, you just don’t know if you should buy one bread or two.
24. Food is best at room temperature—especially meat.
25. You have your favorite brands of second-hand smoke.
26. Your eyes brim with tears of gratitude when you walk into a store and the clerk uncharacteristically says to you, “Hello, how can I help you?”
27. You begin to think that words like против and тоест are English words.
28. You need someone to explain to you that the cold, floating things in your drink at McDonald’s are called “ice cubes.”
29. You are lulled to sleep by fairytales of a magical, faraway land where there are front lawns, and a soft, rug-like material called “carpet.”
30. You think that microwaves are only for restaurants.