Keepin' It Real

I've been looking through my recent blog posts and I've realized that all of them are so...positive. Yes, I realize that being positive a good thing, but you can't possibly believe that in all my time in a strange country working with orphans in orphanages that are still quite far behind most modern-day establishments that it's been all sunshine and rainbows. So, I'm posting a blog that is going to reveal some of the behind the scenes "real" stuff that goes on.

*Just so you know before I begin, I consider all of these experiences blessings in disguise and no one can say to me "I told you so" about "bad" experiences in Bulgaria. I don't want to come home, I love this place and I will seriously miss it when we have to leave. I just thought it would be more interesting for you guys to read some stories about little hard times I've had that make the easy times well, easier! :)*

Experience #1

Upon arriving in Bratsigovo our supervisor, Nickolai, drove us to the orphanage where we would be living. For some reason, I was picturing a separate building where we would stay complete with our own little kitchen. Wrong. So wrong. We made our way down a hallway that smelled like rotten teenage boys and the worker opened the door to our new living quarters for the next two months. A room that was scarily familiar, looking almost exactly like my room I lived in while I was in Deseret Towers at BYU. I really wasn't sure what to think, because I was in so much shock. Seriously, we're living in the boys hallway..with the boys...with the orphans...IN THE ORPHANAGE.

After three friendly kids showed us around the town, I came back home and sobbed as I wrote in my journal. We had been promised our own apartment while in Bulgaria and hadn't seen any signs of of that yet. I couldn't believe that we had to live, breathe, eat, sleep, and shower in the orphanage. The first couple of days were extremely hard for me. The lack of privacy was too much for me to handle (it would be for you too if boys were trying to force their way into the room where you were showering!) and I didn't know how long I could take the kids always knocking on our door asking us for things until late hours of the night.

Now that we've lived here almost two weeks, I love it! It's fun to talk with the kids and have little hangouts at night. I'm learning so much Bulgarian from them and I really feel like I'm making an influence in their lives. We're also moving into our new aparment tomorrow morning! I am kind of embarassed that I cried about the living situation, I thought I was so tough. I'm grateful that we're getting our own place, but a little part of me will miss being with the kids so much.

Experience #2

Ugh, today was so hard. It started off at the store where Tony and I were buying our breakfast. I could see that something was bothering Tony, and I knew what it was before he even told me. He's mentioned to me before the burden he feels having to represent both of us, and translate the things I don't understand. It's really annoying to repeat things over and over. I just felt bad that I couldn't help him more and understand more. I would hate to have to talk for both of us and translate, it would drive me nuts. I began getting down on myself because of how little I practice and do lesson work. I felt like I could do so much more here and make it so much easier for Tony if I would just work harder! Tony has been really great while we've been here and I just wish I could take the language load for a couple of days. Plus, I was feeling kind of stupid before the store because of some comments people I know made about my Bulgarian, so that didn't help me at all.

I know, this sounds like SUCH a dumb thing to be so stressed about! But this is my internship for school and sometimes I feel so worthless because I can't communicate the way I want to with the kids. I was beginning to feel better about myself after lunch and then Tony told me he was going to play basketball with some of the kids. Usually at this time of the day I work on my homework for school, but everyone wanted me to play cards with them (Uno). Yeah, I was scared out of my mind. I had to go and play cards with all of these kids and I don't speak well.

So, I go into the classroom where everyone is waiting for me. Three teenagers sit down with me at a table and we begin our Uno fest. I felt like I was doing really well! I was congegating correctly, using the right genders, and I even somehow managed to explain the rule about the draw two and draw four cards! In Bulgarian! There was one kid, though, who made fun of me everytime I said a word, making fun of the way I say it. I realize that I probably sound funny to these kids and that they've never heard an American speak Bulgarian before and that I'm just learning so I say lots of things wrong, but after 45 minutes of non-stop teasing for EVERY word I said I couldn't take it anymore. I put my cards down on the table and with tears in my eyes told them that I didn't want to play anymore. Luckily my good pal Monica realized that I was upset and said to him, "you do realize she understands everything you say, right?" She then took me outside and we played badminton until Tony got back. I can honestly say that today I wanted nothing to do with Bulgarian language. It was too hard, and I didn't feel like trying anymore. But after a nice, long talk with Tony I feel much better about myself and I'm not longer afraid of trying again tomorrow. Tony always helps me talk through things, he's the best!

As strange as it may sound, I love having experiences like these. They make me stronger and they help me grow close to the things I want to be close to. Every time I have a hard time I say a small prayer in my mind and every time I do, something turns around to make me feel better about the situation. I love Bulgaria and I love these kids we are working with. They're really special and I can really see the difference I'm making by just being here for them.